Graf 11

When I was diagnosed with Hodgkins disease, I had only heard of one other person who had it. His name was Brandon Tartikoff and he was president of the NBC television network and occasional guest star on the hit TV show, ALF. He had been diagnosed with Hodgkins, treated and then went into remission (if you can call it that, because Hodgkins tends to come back). Fifteen years later, the cancer returned and he died. After I got my biopsy results, all I could think of was "If Brandon Tartikoff couldn't beat it, with all his millions of dollars, what hope do I have" (no pun intended). Suddenly, I was looking up everything I could find on Hodgkins. I read one person's blog in which he described sitting in a chair in the infusion room, getting his chemo and being so out of it, he wet his pants. I could scarcely contain my horror at the thought of losing my bodily functions. I sank into a deep depression and decided there was no sense in trying to sugar-coat it; I was going to die. My 3 year old son would only have someone else's memories of me because he was too young to have his own.

I went back to work and one of my coworkers came up to me to express how sorry he was. I was in a stupor, none of this seemed real. I told him not to feel bad, it would be OK. My natural tendancy to comfort others, while my mind was reeling. I went about my work duties in a fog.

When I got home, my husband told me he spoke with our local pharmacist and the pharmacist had Hodgkins, too. He encouraged me to talk with him. Dana, the pharmacist, told my husband I could come in anytime and he would talk to me about what he was going through. Dana was on the last month of treatment, and had gone through everything I was anticipating. So I went to the pharmacy and talked with Dana. He told me chemo and radiation treatments were no day at the beach, but they weren't as bad I what I read, either. After speaking with him and seeing him function normally, albeit with no hair, I began to be optimistic. I went home and looked up Hodgkins on the internet again and this time, I found a blog that was more promising. I also found out about chemo side effects, which was good, because doctors are more focused on the actual treatment of the disease, instead of what happens to your body while you are treated. For example, I found out that you don't just lose the hair on your head, you lose hair other places, too. That's why my nose ran like a faucet. When I questioned the doctor, he said he didn't know why my nose ran non-stop, but through my reading and questioning some nurses, I found out that I lost my nose hairs, too and there was nothing to keep my nose from running. Not a pretty picture, but it is what it is.

I also found that one of the side effects of chemotherapy is depression. No one told me that. I couldn't understand why, when I was half-way through my treatments, I was so depressed. I thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel elation, but I didn't. So I read some more about chemo side effects and also read a book called, "Cancer Combat" and found that depression is a common side effect of chemotherapy. I wasn't so unusual after all!

All in all, I have survived 12 years cancer-free. I am healthy and strong, and feel like I have a pretty good outlook on life. I think when you go through a challenge like cancer or any other life altering event, it defines you. Cancer defined me. I am part of a exclusive group; that of cancer survivor. But I think by taking my situation in my own hands and researching my condition and not relying on the knowledge of others, I created an empowerment that helped me navigate through what could have been an overwhelming situation.